By Pat Myaz
Elmo’s in Brownsville was once known as the most delicious restaurant this side of the Monongahela river. Now however the shop is mainly a computer store, repair center and firearms supplier.
We spoke to the owner, Ike Polacek, about his sales in recent weeks. “Business is booming right now. For the first time in a long time people have a real fear. A fear that someone is coming for their toilet paper,” he said.
Studies show that the average American spent $417 on 502.4 rolls of toilet paper last week alone. That is more money than was spent on food, water, clothing and psychological counseling combined.
“We sold out of ARs, magazines and ammo last week. Then the handguns went, and now we’re just hoping to get more in stock before the real tensions begin. It’s important that every American is able to defend their investment and wipe that ass clean when shit really hits the fan,” said Polacek.
Polacek claims to only be selling weapons to customers who are looking to defend their TP stash, but many in the area are becoming agitated with sore buttholes due to a week of wiping their behinds with old wrestling shirts.
”I need TP. TP for my Bunghole. You will give me TP,” said a customer who identified himself as The Great Cornholio. Elmo’s declined to comment on if they actually sold weapons to Cornholio.