By Anita Hanjaab
The never ending saga of former funeral director and financial expert Stephen Kezmarsky continued on Tuesday as Uniontown district attorney Snitch Cower requested that Judge Jeeves Mescaline reconsider the 4 to 8 year prison vacation he graciously awarded Kezmarsky last week. In comparison, the average bank robber receives a 10-30 year felony sentence.
Kezmarsky was accused of stealing over $555,000 from 114 elderly victims over the last 12 years by preselling funerals and then spending the money on anything but the actual funerals. The average bank robber only makes about $4,300.
The supposed reason for the judge giving Kezmarsky such a lenient sentence was because Kezmarsky claimed to have already paid back $160,000 towards restitution for the victims including a check for $50,000. Plot twist, that checked bounced the day of his sentencing.
To make matters funnier Kezmarsky claimed to have not used the money to lead an extravagant lifestyle (because stealing outrageous amounts of money is more okay if you spend it frugally). While the prosecution claimed Kezmarsky used the money on booze and plane tickets, Kezmarsky claimed to have mostly used the money to sponsor little league teams and parade floats.
But it was recently uncovered that none of Kasmarsky’s children had ever taken a student loan, and that they all drove “nice” cars during the 12 years that Kezmarsky was swindling the elderly.
Exactly how nice Kezmarsky’s children’s cars were is unknown, but it’s probably safe to assume the kiddos weren’t picking up extra shifts at Burger King to pay the insurance on their certified used Hyundai Sonatas.
And if you’re wondering about the money that Kezmarsky did successfully pay back, well that wasn’t his either. It appears that Fayettenam Times owes Kezmarsky’s friends and family an apology since it is now known that ALL of the money came from Kezmarsky’s in-laws and brother, bringing the amount of money he has actually paid back to his victims to approximately $0.00.
While some people might find this story reprehensible, a spokesman for Kezmarsky would once again like to congratulate him on a job well done.
“Not only did he steal over a half million dollars, but he was able to leverage that money to have his daughter marry into a family with real money who could afford to pay back the stolen money for him. People say Fayette County is poor, but Stephen found the only family that could throw down a hundred grand to help him out like it was pocket change,” said Kezmarsky’s spokesman.
Has the Stephen Kezmarsky story reached it’s final chapter? We tend to think not.