COVID-19 Mutation Discovered in Abandoned Laurel Mall Boiler Room

By Willie Stroker

1/19/2021

Scientists have traced a new lethal strain of the coronavirus back to Fayette County’s own Laurel Mall, which is home to a 24/7/365 flea market, and Rural King. It appears a local Dunbar resident who had fallen on hard times made a makeshift home in the abandoned boiler room, close to where the video arcade used to be, before the mall fell into despair, sometime after Ames left.  

Uniontown Hospital doctors were quick to realize that conventional COVID treatments were not able to heal the burn like sores caused by this new strain of the virus.

More troubling is that this mutation appears to be over twenty-five times more lethal than regular coronavirus. Since its discovery, over 13 patients have died in their sleep while under hospital care, many of which were teenagers, who have been mostly immune to the more serious effects of COVID-19. 

“COVID-19 causes severe respiratory distress, as well as a myriad of other symptoms”, says emergency room doctor, Richard Swett. But we knew when nurses started telling us that their patients were complaining of severe stab wounds and turning into cockroaches and meatballs that we were dealing with something new”, he explained.