$$$ Gamble pays off big for Kezmarsky $$$

By Jed I. Knight


Former funeral home director and financial genius Stephen Kezmarsky, 52, of Uniontown was elated Tuesday when Judge Jeeves P. Mescaline handed him the minimum 4-8 year jail sentence for stealing over $555,000 from 114 elderly local citizens.

The massive amount of money stolen and sheer number of victims could have carried a prison sentence of up to 117 years. Charitably, district attorney Snitch Cower only requested the judge give Kezmarsky a 15-30 year punishment. Then, almost miraculously, Judge Mescaline handed Kezmarsky the bargain basement 4-8 year verdict. 

Kezmarsky’s attorney had this to say, “Today was a great day for Mr. Kezmarsky. Some people go to college for 4 years to start work at under $30,000 a year. Others work their entire lives to save up that kind of nest egg. Stephen will have free room, board, meals and healthcare for the next 4 years, and when he gets out he’ll have his house and car paid and waiting for him. If he decides to stay for the entire 8 years he can collect social security the day he gets home. Perhaps when he is released he can start a new career as a financial adviser.”

The court heard 12 witnesses testify to the character and compassion of Kezmarsky, including his daughter and son in law’s father. Frugally,  none of the witnesses who have benefited from Kezmarsky’s wealth offered to help pay back his elderly victims.

Before handing down the verdict, Judge Mescaline gave Kezmarsky his take on the situation, “You sir, are the embodiment of Fayette County. You’ve lied, stolen and cheated your way into becoming a pillar of our community. Along the way you’ve donated to countless little league teams and sponsored many parade floats. Someday your face will be on the Fayette county Mount Rushmore besides Jimbo Lonely and Wince Useedeez.

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