Top 5 things you can use instead of toilet paper

With the current toilet paper shortage “running strong”, the Fayettenam Times would like to share 5 things you probably have laying around your house right now that are just as good as good old fashioned TP.

5. Your shared custody agreement

Let’s face it, you only signed that so you could get out of child support anyways. Might as well put it to good use!

4. Them baseball cards you’ve been saving since 1994

Seriously, if they aren’t worth anything by now their never going to be. Time to put them to good use. Baseball cards aren’t very absorbent, so you’re going to need a bunch. Luckily you have thousands. Besides, who wouldn’t want to wipe their ass with Barry Bonds?

3. Your wedding dress

We hate to break it to you but that dream wedding you’ve been planning since last summer, it ain’t happening. Unless you plan on starving yourself for another year to fit into it, we suggest cutting it up into little pieces, wiping that butt, and tossing it where 52% of marriages end up anyways.

2. The receipt from your prepaid funeral at Kezmarsky funeral home

Normally we advise consumers to hang on to their receipts, but something tells us this one probably won’t do you any good anyhow.

*Honorable mention* Your boyfriend’s parent’s travel itinerary they got for their European vacation this summer

Well that sure isn’t happening. They’ll be one room over trying not to listen to you and Aiden having sex just like every other night of the year.

1. The Herald Standard

You’re already reading the #1 source of news in the region. We give you everything you need except your horoscope. Spoiler: It doesn’t matter what month you were born in, we’re all screwed anyways. So ball that rag up and stick it where it belongs.

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